Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
