I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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