Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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