I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
