Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
