i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
