Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
