I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
this boner is exhausting
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
