He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
