i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Dear god my vagina.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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