im having a threesome with these popsicles
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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