The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
