I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
