i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
