Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
