I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
