dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
