Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I wish there were birth control emojis
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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