The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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