Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
