When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
