I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
