we're chasing vodka with high fives
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Randomize
