In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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