The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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