saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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