I hope mine doesn't look like that
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
