I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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