I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
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