I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
