i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
