Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
