I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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