I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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