Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
