my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
