Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
