I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
