I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
