dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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