my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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