i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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