Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
