Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
