i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
