My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
what day is it and did you see me today?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
