i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We are two peas in an std pod
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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