Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
