it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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