i just had sex bonerless
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
